After years of struggles, I decided to write a letter to a child that I had aborted 16 years ago.  The woman I was with gave me the option to bare this child, give it up for adoption, or get an abortion...regrettably I chose an abortion.  This is my letter to this child.

There aren’t even words to say what I feel, no words that can express the anguish I have felt in my heart that I have carried with me for so many years.  Where you are I now, you have found comfort from this world, yet the pain in my heart never seems to go away.  I have tried to avoid and suppress the remorse, this guilt that I have felt.  Yet, everyday I have awakened to only another day’s torment, the nightmares begin again.  Alcohol and drugs are the by-product of this, causing even more pain and suffering to others that I have loved so much, and to myself as well.

For 3 months you were here, never allowed a breath of life, what shame it brings me to know what I have done.  Today you would be 16, with 3 other siblings; to know I have deprived you of this brings my soul great sorrow.  A product of my desire, discarded like the trash, a nightmare for me that has haunted my life since your day here began.  My life filled with nightmares, avoidance I try my best, to forget all that I have done so I can make it through just one more day.  How I have longed to hold you for so many years, yet not even a name I could call you.

To call you my child seems to minimize my relationship with you, so the other day when I was thinking of you, the name “Joey” came to my mind.  Josephine if you were a girl, Joseph if you were a boy.  For some strange reason my heart was comforted by this, a name, something so simple, yet it brings closeness to you that I have needed.  You know my heart because of where you are, and I know your forgiveness is far more than I deserve.  For even God himself has forgiven me by allowing me the life of another child, your little sister Tabby.  I do not know the ways of God, nor do I understand very much, but at times I have questioned if you were born, would Tabby have ever come to be.

Forgiveness is easiest when it comes to forgiving another, yet forgiving myself has been the hardest quest I have ever had to overcome.  You know my heart and it’s because of you, that my time with my children today is so precious.  My children bring me purpose in life and the love for my children is where it truly flourishes. I never take them for granted, but as a precious gift from God above.  My children have taught me the meaning of love, and how I can so easily forgive them; I can now begin the quest of forgiving myself.  The compassion I have for them needs to be turned back to myself, and to trust God through my Faith.  Even your purpose was not without meaning, and that even through this I now know, His will…will be done.  So until the time comes when I can meet you, when my days come to an end, know you are here in my heart, and that I will never forget.  The loss of your life will have meaning, this much I can promise you, because before my days are done, you will be among the angels in heaven and with pride and great joy you can whisper to them, that is my Dad.

With the greatest of love, your Dad