I got married on my birthday, that way it would be easy for me to remember.  The night of the honeymoon I recall looking up at the stars and seeing the northern lights with so much spectacular beauty.  I turned to my wife and told her it was a sign from God.  Nine months later that sign appeared as our honeymoon baby arrived.  Being a father for the first time I spent much of the time in confusion.  The baby was a nuisance and seemed to only eat, sleep, poop and cry.  It was a stranger in the house.  Then one day a miraculous thing happened.  I was busy changing her and she let out this cluck noise with her tongue.  I returned the cluck and she clucked back.  This little child was communicating to me and I quickly became fascinated with her.  From this point on our relationship became very close.  I enjoyed teaching because it seemed the more I taught, the more I learned by seeing through her eyes.  I quickly realized how ignorant we all are at birth; we do not even know the color of the sky, except for the beauty of it.  Seeing the world through her eyes brought so much comfort and meaning into my life, and I loved seeing through her.

 Two years passed and we had another child, this time it was my son.  I was going to name him Jeremiah David.  When I held him for the first time I looked into his eyes and didn’t see Jeremiah.  I looked closer and said, “Yes, you are Joshua, Joshua Daniel.”  I was so happy to have two healthy children now.  After the following year we had came to an impasse and pursued a divorce.  We had come to a point where we could not live with each other any longer.

 Leaving the children that day was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do up to this point in my life.  After spending the last 3 years with Crystal, and the first year in Josh’s life, I felt as if I was abandoning them.  Although I was still in their life and others tried to encourage me that I wasn’t, I did.  I was no longer in their life the way I wanted and the day-to-day care of the children I did abandon, but their mother and me could not get along.  I believe the kids today can see this now, but then I am sure they didn’t.  I enjoyed being a parent, a caretaker, and a dad.  The kids seemed to give my life meaning where meaning seemed to elude me in the past.  Without them, life seemed so much more meaningless now.

 The kids would visit every other weekend and oh how I loved to get things ready.  The days before they would come over I would be so busy getting things ready for them.  I tried to take as much time with them as possible and I remember one day Crystal looking at me while she sat in my lap while we were swinging, she turned and looked at me and saw I was crying.  She asked, “What’s wrong daddy?”  I looked at her with a smile and said, “I am crying because I am so happy.”  I don’t think she understood at the time, but she accepted the answer and we kept swinging.  Having the kids with me at moments like this brought so much joy to my heart that the words are indescribable.  I had no money, but it did not stop us from going for walks, swinging, feeding the geese, or just watching the beavers and talking.

 Then they would leave, and our home quickly turned into my home and my asylum.  I hated having to say good-bye to them.  Whenever they left, the feelings of abandoning them would arise again and loneliness would over take me.  These intense feelings soon drove me back into drinking heavily once again. 

 One night on a weekend that I didn’t have the kids I decided to go out with a friend.  We went to a local bar and I met a very beautiful lady.  We danced and had an extraordinarily great time.  Being close to someone, and feeling the touch of that person became very inviting for me.  We talked through the night and soon the bar closed and we ended up at her place where I spent the night.  The following morning I left and I told her that I would call, but I didn’t.  I was still so confused with the emotions revolving around my children and feelings about my ex-wife.  I didn’t want to involve her into my state of confusion and chaos.   

 I received a call from a mutual friend of ours a month later.  She informed me that she was pregnant.  Uncertain if it was mine, we talked.  As we talked I felt reassured that she was not with anyone else, and I trusted her.  I picked up the phone and gave her a call.  We decided to meet, and I felt so much shame over not calling her until now and to have this on top of everything else that was going on.  I was truly overwhelmed.  We sat down to talk and discussed Birth, adoption and abortion.  She told me that she would do whatever it was that I wanted.  She wanted me to make the decision.  I left that night not knowing what to do.  I did not have the feelings of closeness with her that I wanted, and I knew I would not marry her for the child either.  I sought out guidance from councilors and friends at that time, but no one would make the decision for me.  I truly was not at a place in my life that I could make any proper decisions, even for myself.  After having two children I wanted so bad, and now to have another?  And these two I can barely care for now at this time of my life.

 After another drunk night at the bar I called her up and told her to go ahead with the abortion.  I hung up the phone and cried myself to sleep.  To this day I pray that God will have mercy on my soul for this decision.  Sometimes I would catch myself wondering what would have happened if I would have went through with having the child.  Of all the decisions in my life I have made, and all the bad ones I have made too, nothing compares to the feelings associated with this decision. This is especially true when you have children of your own that you love more than life itself.  To terminate the life of an innocent child has been over the years a very heavy burden for me to carry.  Today I have come to terms of accepting forgiveness, and I understand that God forgives me too.  But it took much longer for me to find it in my heart to forgive myself.  But more than that, I hope and pray that the unborn child and her mother can both find it in their hearts to forgive me too.  As I reflect today on the possibilities of having that child, I would not have my youngest one, Tabitha, today.  I just hope that my children can forgive me, especially Crystal.  Crystal is strongly against abortion, as I am today too.  But I know at this time in my life, I needed a non-judgmental church body to help me find my way back to God.  This by far is the worst series of choices and decisions I have made in my life resulting in the casualty of one life.

 Some call abortion murder, others say it’s free choice.  Some people hire killers to kill another and wash their hands of the actual act, but in their heart they are as guilty as the one who kills.  To me, and so many others who have endured this, it was free choice to murder for without my hand involved there would have been another child in this world from God.  How can it be classified as anything else?  I will never allow such a thing to take place again nor will I EVER encourage another to follow this path.  Yet, for those who have endured this horrible act, they need to find sanctuary, and this can only be found within and with God. 

From this point on my life spiraled down hill rapidly.  Soon I was behind bars with another DWI, and without a job or a license for 3 years.  My life had become my own endless hell.  If it were not for the love of my kids, I know I would have ended it.  The only thing I had left to hang on to was a glimmer of hope and faith in God, which was hanging on by only a string.   

So I sought out help and sobered up.  I took a little time off from seeing the kids for a few months at this point and focused my energy and taking care of myself.  My kids had no chance unless I found a way to take care of myself.  I recall passing the sign at the bank and it read fifteen degrees below zero and I was heading into a nasty wind with another 3 miles to walk.  I was willing to do whatever it took.  Soon the divorce was final and I was able to begin moving forward with my life and began seeing the kids again. 

I decided to begin my own business and started it in the fall of 1988.  By 1991 I had landed a major account and was able to gross over $650,000 in sales that year.  Things were truly looking up.  I then met my soon to be second wife and we dated for a few months.  She was totally opposite of my first ex and that made it feel so right.  Soon we eloped to Jamaica and got married.  Shortly after this we purchased a building and lived there for the next year. 

I still recall the day Tabitha was conceived.  My wife looked at me and said, “But what if I get pregnant?”  I turned to her and smiled saying, “Then we will have a baby.”  In nine months I truly felt blessed by God for having a chance to have another child.  God knew how much I wanted one and how much I loved being a parent.  In my heart I saw Tabitha as a gift from God and found forgiveness in myself for my decision of an abortion.  I found God offered me the spirit of that child in my now present child, Tabitha.  If this is true or not I do not know, but I do know God found me favorable to have this one after my previous action.  Because of this I could forgive myself and move on.  Because of these deep-rooted feelings I tried to make sure our time was well spent and not wasted.  I realized that to a child, time is love.  When you spend time with a child they realize they are worthy and they feel love, thus they too will love.  Time is the most precious thing God gives each and every one of us here on earth and it can never be replaced.  And oh how I have wasted so much time. 

When Tabitha was born I recall distinctly watching with great intensity while focusing on her.  While only her head was out the doctor used a sucker to clear the air passages.  After doing this Tabitha opened her eyes.  They were jet black as if there was no life in them.  She opened her mouth and drew in a breath of air and to me at that time it appeared as if her first breath was also taking in her soul.  Her eyes turned from jet black to a deep brown almost immediately and she let out a cry, and with that one breath she was now a part of this world.  There is great debate over life and when does the soul enter into the body, I have chosen to leave this issue up to God and not man.   

During this time I found it rather difficult with the children.  I could tell Crystal and Josh were both envious of Tabitha and the time she had with me.  Having only two knees, Crystal often was being left out.  My heart at times went out to her, and I cherished opportunities to take time alone with her, but we never seemed to be allowed to have the time we both truly desired.  It seemed as if someone was always being left out.  The few times we had will be cherished my whole life. 

It was during this time that the kids would get into arguments about who I loved the most.  I stopped them as soon as I heard this the first time and sat them all down.  I looked at all three of them and asked, “How could I love any of you equally?  You are all special and unique in your own ways, and my love for each of you is going to be just as unique.  Love is nothing to be put on a scale, it just is, and it is given freely from me to all of you all the time.”  This seemed to lesson the arguments, but sometimes it is in those things that are not said, the pain that is suppressed that I still heard, especially from Crystal.  I only hope that the day comes when she truly understands how much it is that I do truly love her.  For my son, today he is still envious of my relationship with others, but this is because how much he wants to be with me.  In this, he is truly learning patience and perseverance, but at a price. 

Soon reality set in for both of us and we decided to pursue a divorce.  We both agree today that we got married way too quickly.  My ex went off to find herself much in the same way I did during my first divorce.  I stayed in the home and took as much time as I could with Tabitha.  Being self-employed allowed me great flexibility assuring that I could take as much time as I could with her, and I did.  I had the opportunity to parent Tabitha so much for the first 5 years of her life and I feel truly blessed being allowed to have had this opportunity.   

Just after our separation my neighbor was selling some puppies and my children were with me for the weekend.  That day my oldest daughter, Crystal, brought two new friends over along with some puppies.  The three of them seemed to get along well this weekend and in the weekends to come this friendship grew between the three of them. At this time Tabitha was just over 2, Josh was 7, Crystal was 9, Ashley was 10 and Sarah was12.  I soon met Linda, their mom, and over the following years we had become extremely close.  After about a year the 3 kids grew so close that they would be impatiently waiting to see one another, and they would all three have their bags packed to spend the weekend together.  The condition was that we all had to get up for church Sunday morning, and at least try to be happy.  This was not always easily accomplished, but the contention that resulted on some mornings in a way became a bonding agent between us all as a family.  After discussing the weekends with Linda, I found that she really loved the opportunity to have some alone time because their father was nowhere in their life.  As a result she had the two of them all the time.  This made it possible for Linda to have some freedom from their confined apartment.  Tabitha and Josh accepted them into the family with great love and admiration, and the bonding agent of the family was animals and love.  Within a couple of years it transformed itself into an extended family encompassing Linda, Sarah and Ashley with my own kids.   

Over the years I have enjoyed with such passion teaching my children about God.  We always told Tabitha that Jesus was in her heart and one day as we set out to rake the leaves in the yard my daughter turned to me and said, “Jesus is in my heart, right daddy?”  As I looked at her I noticed an extreme amount of enthusiasm in her face.  This was a simple answer for her when she was young, but I felt that she deserved a better explanation.  I turned to her with a smile and said, “No Tabitha.”  She looked at me confused and I told her to close her eyes and hold up her hand, which she did.  I then asked her to point in the direction of the wind, and she did.  I asked her to open her eyes and said, “Do you see the wind hitting your hand?”  She said no.  I asked, “How did you know the wind was coming from that direction then?”  She looked at me and said, “Because I felt it.”  I turned to her and said, “That is the way God works sweetie, we can not see him, we can only feel him.”  Then I pointed to the trees and said, “Do you see the leaves in the trees moving from the wind?”  She smiled and said yes.  I told her, “Just like the wind moves the leaves, in the same way God moves people, we do not see him, we only feel him.”  With a smile on her face and content with the answer we set out to pick up leaves.  It is times like this that really makes being a parent such a wonderful occupation. 

My ex-wife soon remarried and began taking Tabitha more and more.  I felt they were taking my responsibility away from me.  I see now how selfish I was behaving because Tabitha needed her mother, but emotionally she was taking away my purpose for living.  Asking me to give up my parenting, and the feelings of abandoning this responsibility was too much for me to bear all over again.  Kids brought so much purpose to living for me.  I felt I had to fight back because I could not just give this up, it meant everything to me, it meant my life. When it was time for Tabitha to start kindergarten a custody battle erupted, which regrettably was my own initiating.  I wanted her to get on the bus here, I wanted it the way I wanted it and I felt that the stability of one home was most important for her.  As selfish as it was, at the time it was self-preservation that drove me, or so I thought.   

I was working down at Dunwoody Institute when I received a call from my attorney.  He told me about a custody evaluation which went against me and resulted in a great deal of lost time with my child after being with her so much for over 5 years.  I was devastated and I picked up the phone and called my mom.  While I had her on the phone I told her, “For the first time in my life I can understand how someone could not believe in God!”  The pain in my heart was so overwhelming at this moment.  Although I still believed in God, I was truly questioning where was he?  For the first time in my life, I could understand how someone could not believe in God, and this is possible because of intense emotional pain. 

I prayed that evening a great deal and the following day I met a maintenance man at Dunwoody who had a daughter the same age as mine.  He began to tell me how she had cancer and was in chemo now.  As I looked at this man, and a picture of his daughter, I could relate to his suffering and love for her.  He would have given his life for his child, as I would do for mine.  I became so thankful of my daughters health, and how much worse things could be.  I spent my nights praying for my daughter and his. 

The months that followed became agonizing.  In my past writings I came across letters to my children that demonstrates the intense pain in my heart.  In these writings I talked about every day occurrences and ending them with the agony I felt in my heart.   

I wrote, “I love all 3 of you with all my heart.  Please forgive me for wrong doings I have done in the past that may have affected you.  I will always cherish the memories.”  This was the end of my letter to the children on 11/11/97 indicating the processing of these horrible thoughts of ending my life here on earth.   

I continued on writing by starting out telling Tab, “I really miss having you around here.  When I got home I called Crystal and Josh.  Josh was at Karate.  Sometimes you can really brighten things up for me Crystal.  You started reading some comics to me, you told me you use them to cover your flimsy math book.  I’ve been struggling with loneliness lately.  It makes it difficult to get things done.  I straighten up my office and the house a little, and I’ll be off and working a lot the next 2 days.  It’s at times like this that I miss all of you kid’s so much.  Although you can leave a mess and sometimes be a pain in the rear, you make life so meaningful!  Without you kids life has less meaning, it’s lonely, and I struggle….I LOVE YOU!”  These writings became my suicide note. 

As the holidays grew closer, I began to feel a deeper pain than I ever had felt in my life.  For the first time in my life I was totally sober, sitting on my floor and trying to figure out the all encompassing question, “Why?”  Thoughts of ending my life had never been so intense, especially being sober.  With my 7mm Remington Magnum rifle in my lap I loaded it and locked the soon to be fatal round into the chamber.  I figured if I was going to take myself out, I was not going to leave any room for error.  With my rifle loaded, I began playing with the safety turning it off, and then on, then off again, over and over.  I finally took the safety off and began to cry.  Screaming out to God I asked him, “Why Lord?”  The deep pain and loneliness in my heart was so painful that it had become unbearable, uncontrollable, and now unlivable.  Just then the telephone rang and I remember being frustrated, someone was interrupting my suicide!  I answered the phone out of frustration and with a bit of curiosity too, I was hoping for it to be one of my kids but it wasn’t.  It was my former neighbor Holly on the phone.  Of all the people that could have called at that time, she was the only one that I would have been willing to truly open up with at this moment.  I remember her asking me, “What are you up to?”  I recall saying, “Well, I am sitting here with my rifle loaded.”  With that we began to talk in length, I do not remember specifically what, but I know it was about pain and suffering.  She kept me on the phone till I reassured her that the rifle was unloaded and put away. 

That evening, with nowhere else to turn, and with loneliness overwhelming my heart I turned to God in prayer.  This is the true beginning of my awareness of God in my life.  I had been sober for 3 years and had not been involved with anyone intimately for some time, and I was actually feeling content with this.  Around me were 3 dogs, 2 cats and a hamster, which were constant reminders of the loneliness in my life, and a reminder to all I had gone through and the pain and emptiness I still felt in my heart.  As I collapsed into my bed this night I was feeling so much pain, emptiness, and longing in my heart.  As I began to pray the tears of pain began to flow. 

I pleaded with God and begged Him for an answer.  I was totally confused because I was feeling so close to Him, I wanted to be comforted by Him, I wanted to be with Him.  This evening, rather than praying using the word God, I began using the word Father.  For some reason I felt an ability to communicate closer to him this way, it made my prayers and communication with God more at ease.  I could not understand why I was feeling so empty if I was also feeling so close to Him?  So as I lay in my bed with my eyes swelled up with tears, I began to pray asking God, “Why is it that I feel so close to you and yet I have this emptiness inside?”  I begged God for an answer to my confusion, and quoted parts of the bible saying, “Anything asked in the name of Christ will be granted, so I ask you Father for an answer in the name of your Son Jesus.”  I fell asleep in my tears of pain that evening and extended my heart and soul out to God giving all my pain to God while praying. 

 In the middle of my sleep what appeared to be a distant star came before me and then with lightning speed, the light passed right through me!  It knocked the wind out of me and I jumped up in my bed wide-awake, it was 3:12 am.  All I did was smile and say, “Thank you God.” And I went back to sleep.  I recall this light going through me with such intensity and power, and if it was moving to other places, other people, other tasks.  I was just one of the messages delivered this night. 

It has not been easy to explain, because the human language seems to be inadequate in defining things that are heavenly.  In this very same way, I find it very difficult to put into words the very intense and deep emotional feelings of pain.  Words do not seem to be able to describe the feelings in the same way that it is felt.  The words this night were given to me, and the words were in the light.  These words are words of reflection that I use to this day and I will refer to them in later writings as well.  These are the words that were given to me that night that were in the light.  

“I am the Spirit of God, and these feelings that you have inside of you that you feel you need to cut out and throw away is not a curse, but a blessing.  For it is these feeling’s that you have inside that will draw you closer to me the rest of your days.” 

I woke up in the morning all groggy.  As I thought about that evening I was in shock, and confused with so many new feelings.  These new feelings became a sense of redirection for me.  I did expect an answer from God, but never through personal delivery! 

Understanding this emptiness became a big relief to me, and I no longer feel an urge to fulfill this emptiness any longer.  Even though I know I will continue to feel these feelings of emptiness, loneliness and longing, I know now that during these times I need to search out God.  This in itself has made my life filled with so much more contentment.  Suffering is so much easier when there is understanding and purpose that comes along with it.  When there is understanding, there is no more suffering. 

It was at this point in my life that God truly smashed through my door and entered into my life.  It became a new inspiration, and a new concept of who God is.  A personal relationship with God and not the religious one I had learned about.  This became the starting point of my own personal journey with God and this is when my journey truly began.  With this vision I became inspired to write about this experience and that these are not words that I should keep to myself but words I need to share with others.